Ranking every CFB Week 0 game from glued to the couch to touch grass

We’ve survived the long drought, friends. College football is finally back, and with it the promise of three and a half hours of yelling at the TV while glued to the couch. It’s been over seven months since we last tasted the chaos, and yes, Week 0 is technically “football,” though the menu is… let’s just say limited. Five games, most of them barely resembling a watchable product. Don’t worry I’ll tell you which scraps are actually worth your Saturday.

Ranking Week 0’s games by how much they’ll actually keep you awake

5. Idaho State vs. UNLV

This one’s the equivalent of eating plain toast when you were promised steak. UNLV nearly stumbled into the playoff last year before Boise State shoved them aside, while Idaho State is here for one reason only: to pocket its $500,000 check and head home. Unless you’re an alum or a family member of a player, there is no reason to subject yourself to this massacre. Your time would be better spent reorganizing your spice rack.

4. Sam Houston State vs. Western Kentucky

Ah, here’s a matchup that whispers, “You’ll regret this, but maybe not too much.” Sam Houston State used to terrorize the FCS, but those days are long gone, and the FBS has been quick to remind them of their place. Western Kentucky is… fine. They’ll win, probably, but not in any way you’ll remember five minutes later. This is the perfect game to have on while making dinner, occasionally glancing at the screen when you hear crowd noise and thinking, “Oh, huh. Something happened.”

3. Fresno State vs. Kansas

Finally, some juice. Kansas spent last season spoiling dreams across the Big 12 (except Arizona State’s, which apparently remained unsinkable). Expectations are higher this year, and that alone makes them watchable. Fresno State is about to jump ship to the Pac-12 insert joke about fleeing one sinking vessel for another here but there’s not much energy around their farewell tour. Still, this one has upset potential, so don’t be shocked if it delivers a little drama.

2. Stanford vs. Hawaii

Neither of these teams knows what defense looks like, which means we could be in for a glorious train wreck of a shootout. Neither program has playoff aspirations, unless we’re talking about some neighborhood flag football league, but the points will flow like cheap beer at a tailgate. Plus, a Hawaii kickoff that doesn’t require East Coast fans to stay up until 2 a.m.? A rare gift. Consider this your late-night entertainment or your excuse to stay up past your bedtime pretending to care.

1. No. 22 Iowa State vs. No. 17 Kansas State

And here’s the main event though really, it wins the top spot by default. Big 12 football… in Ireland. Farmageddon, exported overseas. If that doesn’t scream “instant classic,” what does? Both teams are expected to make serious runs at the conference title, which means the loser starts its season already playing catch-up. Noon kickoff, decent stakes, two ranked teams this is the one you actually need to watch. And hey, if nothing else, you can say you saw Big 12 football in Dublin, which is just absurd enough to be charming.